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19 May 2007 @ 05:55 am
An Introduction  
For those of you who've found your way or been invited here, welcome! please, consider this my introduction. (i figured i'd get a lot out of the way right away. :)

Preface: I've spent more time on this, my first entry, than i will probably (have for) the rest, for obvious reasons. i'd like what i write to be more spontaneous/gutteral and since i'm new to livejournal (lj) and was flabbergasted at the consequences of clicking "spell-check", suffice it to say you may see typos and spelling errors--you can guage how tired i am by it...well, you c'n watch me chronologically progress, as well (i do NOT "age"! <smile>

First entry...ever: i just recently found out, i was synaesthetic (meaning two or more of my senses are stimulated at the same time,even when the stimulation, itself, is being applied to only one) and i am still learning just exactly to what extent. I've spent my life learning how to tune it out, for the most part (it never goes away), but i also know when and how to enjoy it (all) to its fullest. For example; i thought EVERYone's mouth watered, or went dry, when they saw certain colors or experienced certain things, emotionally.  i never thought to ask, "don't YOU"?! 

I feel temperature changes and see colors sometimes around people, sometimes in my mind's eye, as their moods change; music, aside from the media-player-like visual effects it produces, can make me feel warmth or cold; i shiver when certain words are said...oh, there's so much more. i SEE days of the week, weeks, themselves, calendar pages and years, in my head, as if in outer-space--the more recent appearing closer, year-wise. calendar pages also have sensations according to season and colors that my mind has assigned to them and i feel them, according to the temperature they are in the year, in the midwest, USA; years are these awesome-looking opaque grayish-white planes that, once out of the range of my lifetime, create angles and intersect all over the place, in the distance; and i can pull them closer by concentrating on a particular one, sometimes feeling as though i've stepped back in time (it doesn't happen that strongly regarding the future); the days of the week stay linear and appear as words, left to right, sunday through saturday, but the letters of the words are sleek, defined 3-D (not fat, block-letters), with the day i'm thinkging about protruding closer to me than the others. when i call-up a day or week or year, they become colors.

As i said, i've spent a lifetime working around these...distractions-to-normal-thinking/concentrating, and it can become quite difficult, at times, depending upon what i'm doing and the amount of stimulation i experience at once. being in a room full of people is often downright frustrating, confusing and physically exhausting. if i'm tired i see black on white speach-bubbles with the force of the persons voice deciding font and boldness. i do NOT see letters as different colors, like many (thank goodness! :).

Most of it i've learned to kind of put in the back of my brain (it, literally, feels like it's at the back of my head) and if i'm concontrating well that day, it stays there. When i get tired, it all moves to in front of my eyes or out in front of me. driving tired is terrifying, especially if the radio is playing, then the color is out in front of me, too, and nightblindness is intensified when headlights come out of nowhere. When i'm relaxed or alone, it just goes where it wants to and is usually very enjoyable. I also taste things when i have nothing in my mouth, get nausiated at certain color combinations, when they don't match what my mind has them attached to, and i see sound waves when music is playing--they clash and cancel each other out,when they're out of tune. when loud, lines get thicker, or sharper and the cloud-like color/s more dense and the opposite when it's soft. Deep tones and high pitches produce different effects, as well. It can all get quite busy. Being at a live concert or listening to a soulful musician is an intense experience for me. i get totally lost in the music. i was an instrumental music education major for the love it (all) and, now a poet/writer and artist because i NEED to be. it is not a choice. i simply cannot keep this to myself any longer.

Being able to use words, such as "synaesthesia" (the sound of which i love--it conjurs pictuters, for me, akin to what the word represents, *for me*.  (i stress "me", because i cannot imagine it being the same for any two people!) ...using that word makes it simpler to describe the threshold from which my writingart can jump (i do not include it in EVERYthing, however), but only my "work", itself, could even begin to display what goes on in this body/mind of mine as well as how my world (and especially those i love) affect me, so i'm sure it will continue...allways.

I'd  like to know how others (of you) have been best able to convey the experience/s for YOURselves, assuming you do or want to (?). If not, why not? Do you share the underlying meaning/cause of this sharing with others, or simply present it, "as is"? (for example, i'd question people about how they saw colors, out of curiosity, but i never told them why...cuz i didn't know it was so drastically different for them.)

NOW i'll progress...When i try to speak, while all of this is going on, at times it all mixes together (the sound of my voice, or the words on the page, adding to the cacophony) and it can get so, that i don't know what to say first, because it'll all run together (one, big picture--not compartmentalized--i'm a MASter at compartmentalizing, btw (...still thinking on whether that's related, here, somehow; though, i know i do it for other reasons, too.)). When i'm typing online, it can be just as bad in other ways, too, but i'm finding that mostly has to do with online, cuz i'm more relaxed when i'm here (usually--it's a "my-time" kinda thing), so these occurances are intensified because, in order to speak to someone, i visualize them, too and if they're a strong personality, they have a temperature that i can feel and that, too,  has a color and then, if they're a very, very strong personality, my mouth waters and i taste them, as well. 

interaction can mix the other person's colors with mine--mine varies according to mood--and cause that to kick in, as well. add tired to that mix and it's like i'm living in a symphony or an abstract painting that i can taste. lol. Don't even ask me how far something is from me. i'm a *terrible* judge of distance (i think, now, because i've spent so much time getting what appears a few feet in front of me to the back of my head and also because i've actually tried to reach out and touch colors that i can *never* reach). WHICH reminds me! did any of you see the "shadow ghost" when you were little? (a dark shape that would approach you? (for me, it was usually right after falling asleep...and it didn't help that i sleep with my eyes open!!)

as a writer/poet and artist, i have been trying for years to "describe" these things--mostly the colors. when words could not be found (because i didn't know what "this all" was!), i turned to picture-creation (if you'd like to see some, i have a website, just ask). it's weird, i found right away if i play music while i create, it turns out totally different, so i choose my stimulii carefully when i'm trying to create or recreate something in particular. when i let it go, my words might describe the words on a page as waves, hitting shore (because in my mind, sometimes, that's what they do) and my pictures will look other-worldly.  my work helps me record my experiences, the way other people may take a photograph (which i also like to do and then "adjust" it to what i really seefeel). Moods change my work, too.

water does wonderful things to me--i love drinking it (touch/taste/smell), swimming/bathing in it (touch, hear) (but not so much showers--they're brutal) and looking at it (it's comfortable to look at, it undulates like music). the sensations, though, are heavenly, mixed up or not. i have not been able to stop reading about all this and probably will never tire of it. it entirely fascinates me and, at the same time, validates parts of me i've never been able to share, for a LOT of reasons (thus, my artwork) on a lot of levels. mostly, i just thought EVERYone experienced most of this, with, i think, intentionally-vague suspicions that it might not be (what they experience).

does anyone feel synaesthesia has created a strong/er sense of de ja vous, for them? i'm wondering now, because when it happens to me, it's very strong, and, thought it's usually triggered by something visual, which, then, seems to trigger something deeper--more powerful sensory perceptions--which are usually my sense of smell and taste. (i've been known to ask what someone's favorite cologne or perfume is. scent and emotioncolors...and temperature (usually warmth) are my most easily-remembered memories (note, i did not say well-remembered, just easier.), though emotionally-charged words stand before my eyes for me to flip through the pages of, too. :)

i'd like to know if anyone drove their teachers crazy, growing up, like i did (?). i couldn't STAND to have stuff literally drawn-out for me, when learning. i had to hear it and visualize it, OR read it and viasualize it. BOTH--reading aloud and/or being read aloud to--while trying to learn (a favorite method of teachers), is *torture* to me and my mind goes almost completely blank. i retain VERY little, if anything. ...anything even remotely similar?

when i'm relaxed, however, having someone, especially with a voice i love (softsmoothsweet or deepsmoothcarmelly or whisperyshivers). read to me, is wonderful. that may seem normal, except *i* know it's because i can then let the hearing/taste/visualizations happen (cuz i'm usually in bed ;). in a learning situation, however, it's best when i ask the questionS i need, in order to piece the picture together, and NOTHing extra be said. This gives me a chance to snap that particular puzzle piece into place, before i get interferance in the visualization. while i learn, i go from, literally, picturing the forest (usually pine and pine-scented) to picturing standing IN the forest, amidst the trees, watching how clearly (or not) the light filters through a million leaves. i MUST fluctuate this picture, as i learn.

i prefer night (thus this journal-background choice); it's more calming, in nearly every way. anyone else (prefer night) for reasons you think have to do with synaesthesia?

do any of you ever get tunnel-vision, that you associate with this, and that seems to be triggered by anything in particular? (it's happened to me only a couple of times in my life, but was triggered by the same type of event--intense!)

anyway, if it's not more than you wanted to know, it is certainly enough to introduce me, non? <sheepish grin> keep writing, everyone, i NEED to learn "this all". who knows when the sharing, done here, might save someone sanity? it *certainly* is making my life richer. :)

i want say thank you to the person who let me in on this little secret known as synaesthetics. your growing patience with me, yet your firm insistance that i make myself clear (clear's good...i c'n see clear :)...helps...me.

and to the person with whom i "connect" and see a million, glittering shards of light, under a silvery moon and who also visualizes everything, right along with me...<pats her heart 'n smiles>.